TRUTH BEAUTY LOVE FILTH

image:glitched photograph + lydia lunch quoted

BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE DARKROOM

image: photo of my clothes check ticket taken under red lights.

The city I live in has two main bars with back rooms. One has a “dress code” on weekends and during events; the other does not have one at all. The dress code basically means you have be a little vulnerable. Do you have to be practically naked? Absolutely not, but you need to at least be wearing some sort of fetish gear. Even a union suit counts and that is basically neck to ankle pajamas. Though they do make assless union suits, or at least union suits with a butt flap in the back.

I have not always been the sort of person who is comfortable in my own skin. In fact, I have mostly been one of the most self-conscious people in every situation ever for the entirety of my life. H O W E V E R, when I go to these sexualized spaces, I try and leave that anxiety at the clothes check. I try and follow the sage advice of my buddy who told me to that it’s important some skin in the game. This is where the conflict starts.

In some ways, I like the no dress code ever approach. It’s great to help people I was literally one of these people not terribly long ago check out the scene and see if it’s something they’re into. It’s democratic too because not everyone is in a financial position to even buy a harness and such. But it does create a situation sometimes where it invites a lot of voyeurs who bring a weird energy. I don’t even know how to explain this but there’s a fine line between voyeur and like … idk sex pest and I feel like spaces where there isn’t a dress code seem to invite a lot more aggressive sex pests and pushy voyeurs.

Maybe the oddest energy of all is the young guys bringing their cis female friends in the back to point and giggle. And, to be clear, I really don’t have a problem with cis women in these highly sexual spaces but when it feels like two fully clothed people on a dare, it starts to get weird for me. Sometimes it feels like a breach of trust. As a contrast, a few night ago I was in a back room and there was a cis woman in full gear sucking as many dicks as she could and that was amazing. She fit in great and was invested in the space. Perfect.

But anyway, back to my story.

Last night, I had two options. A formal event with a cover and dress code or informal event with no code. My friend really wanted to go to the informal one bc it was free and closer. So we did and we met another friend rounding out the group at a solid three. Almost everyone at the bar was wearing street clothes. Literally (literally!) one guy was wearing a jock strap and maybe one or two guys were wearing harnesses. It was kinda lame. I could sense a high level of sex pests and voyeurs who had no intent of even taking off their jackets, let alone their pants.

So we had a drink or two and grumbled about it and decided to be the change we wanted to see in the world; or, in this case, the darkroom. We checked our pants and set an example and it worked a little. Slowly a few more guys got braver. Asses were seen. Dicks came out. Alliances were formed. Sunny D Vodka drinks were drank.

It ended up being an fun night but I kinda wish we’d just gone to the other place and paid the cover.

I knew it was time to leave when a dance remix of Fleetwood Mac’s “Seven Wonders” came on. Stevie has never steered me or Misty Day wrong.

image: another less successful photo of my clothes check ticket taken under red lights + Fleetwood Mac lyrics

DTF

image: screencap + embellishments

I’m getting better at spotting the guys who are “down to fuck,” as they say. It isn’t always who you might think; or at least it’s not who I thought. Like, the guys who stroll in confidently in full garb, sure you *might* see them fuck. H O W E V E R, the skittish, initially awkward guys are in my opinion far more likely get wild. Why? Well, my werqing theory is that they are new to the scene I say this like I am not new to the scene lolol or visiting from the suburbs/out of town and are trying to make the most of it and aren’t going to waste time.

JOCKSTRAPS AND PUBLIC SEX THERAPY

image: found photograph + Decim8 app

I have difficulty ejaculating when I hook up with guys.

I want to so badly because it’s really hot to breed a bottom or just “finish” when bottoming but it doesn’t happen very often for me. How do you will yourself to cum? I don’t even know how to work on it exactly but I have tried. I thought maybe I jerked off too much so I bought a Fleshlight to train myself to cum with less friction. I’ve tried taking Viagra to eliminate performance anxiety. I’ve tried it rough, I’ve tried it gentle, I’ve tried with guys I barely know, with guys I care about, but nothing has made a significant difference that I have noticed. I just … don’t historically cum very often when hooking up and when I do it feels like a total coincidence or something.

But last week this crazy thing happened. I went to a jockstrap-themed cruising event and saw a guy from out of town making the rounds and introducing himself. Cute guy wearing a jockstrap and a mesh football jersey. I took note for later but mostly intended to chit chat with a work colleague I’d planned to meet. These darkroom nights kinda start at like 11 or so and pretty soon it was 2am and I’d had like 3 beers or so and was feeling brave. Yes, I’m a lightweight.

I think this next part officially qualifies as a “that escalated quickly” moment because right around 2:30am or so my friend introduced himself to the mesh jersey guy and they started making out a bit. Then I was making out with him a bit. Pretty soon we were grouped up; I was kissing him and slapping his face while he called me Sir and my buddy was playing with his ass. I’m not entirely sure if there was penetration back there but … probably?

I’m still pretty new to these gay bar darkrooms and I have a lot to catch up on writing out and sharing but for now I’ll say I’d gotten my dick sucked before but nothing much beyond that. I’d never really planned to do more but here was this super sexy guy bent over this table (I call it the merch table) showing me his hole and I was very ready to go. I fucked him in front of a few guys—which is something I never thought I could do—but the real wild part is I came. Pretty quickly, I think. Or, like, in a reasonable amount of time. Much faster than the last time I came which took me literally 5 hours. Bless that dedicated bottom who let me plow him that long because I prob would have called it as a lost cause way sooner.

What the fuck is that? Here I am thinking I need to work on intimacy problems but suddenly I can cum in a guy’s ass whose name I didn’t even know (I know it now) with…an audience? Maybe that is still an intimacy problem, now that I think about it. Haha.